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| Once an angel held a powerful sword. That was her only weapon to clear the road and fight the evil. With her thousand broad and strong wings she could fly with lightning speed. A guardian angel she was, she wrapped others with her wings, leaving none for flying. Thus she walked on the earth, stood against the tides. But the sword turned against her. Long had the sword been her partner, it knew her weaknesses, but she did not break it. The wings stained with blood, and the blade doubled now. She had hoped nothing but the sword leaving her. Still, sharp edges licked her, but she did not fly away. Comments to the above tale: Poorly written. Meaningless and too plain. | | |
| I am in you, and you are in me. I lived a hard life, and you too. I had never given up, and had never surrendered to anything, death took only my life but not my fame and soul. Now return to me, to my soul, and my soul with you, your soul with strength. Surrender to nothing, even your mind, let death come to you only naturally or accidentally, when you endure all these, you would know more about me. See not only your darkness, but mine also. Listen to me, and you would know you can never match mine. Whenever you think of death, think of my deeper struggle for life, then you shall have peace. Amidst the darkness I brought all light, while the world returned me nothing. A great angel you would be, and think in heavenly terms you would see "Ode to Joy", you would see that before the end, then you shall rest. Leaving Heiligenstadt, leaving all despair, I am with you. (Note: the following text in Western European) O Freunde, nicht diese Töne!
Sondern lasst uns angenehmere
anstimmen und freudenvollere.
Freude! Freude!
Freude, schöner Götterfunken
Tochter aus Elysium,
Wir betreten feuertrunken,
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
Deine Zauber binden wieder
Was die Mode streng geteilt;
Alle Menschen werden Brüder,
Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.
Wem der große Wurf gelungen,
Eines Freundes Freund zu sein;
Wer ein holdes Weib errungen,
Mische seinen Jubel ein!
Ja, wer auch nur eine Seele
Sein nennt auf dem Erdenrund!
Und wer's nie gekonnt, der stehle
Weinend sich aus diesem Bund!
Freude trinken alle Wesen
An den Brüsten der Natur;
Alle Guten, alle Bösen
Folgen ihrer Rosenspur.
Küsse gab sie uns und Reben,
Einen Freund, geprüft im Tod;
Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben,
Und der Cherub steht vor Gott.
Froh, wie seine Sonnen fliegen
Durch des Himmels prächt'gen Plan,
Laufet, Brüder, eure Bahn,
Freudig, wie ein Held zum Siegen.
Seid umschlungen, Millionen!
Diesen Kuss der ganzen Welt!
Brüder, über'm Sternenzelt
Muss ein lieber Vater wohnen.
Ihr stürzt nieder, Millionen?
Ahnest du den Schöpfer, Welt?
Such' ihn über'm Sternenzelt!
Über Sternen muss er wohnen.
Seid umschlungen, Millionen!
Diesen Kuss der ganzen Welt!
Brüder, über'm Sternenzelt
Muss ein lieber Vater wohnen.
Seid umschlungen,
Diesen Kuss der ganzen Welt!
Freude, schöner Götterfunken
Tochter aus Elysium,
Freude, schöner Götterfunken | | |
| As I read the Beethoven's biography, Beethoven's works, conduct Beethoven's symphonies, listen to Beethoven's sonatas, quartets, concertos, operas......I started to feel Beethoven in me...... Perhaps it is time now to find my Heiligenstadt, conquer my despair with my hope, compose the symphony that strives to take shape in my mind, and return with a whole new world, a totally different vision, an immortal mind. The past shall pass, the future may never come, yet grasp the present. A quote that may hurt others, yet do not feel bad, my true friends shall know I am pointing to no one: "Your news plunged me again from the heights of ecstasy down into the depths. And why did you add that you would let me know when there would be music again? Am I then nothing but a music-maker for you or the others? At least, your remark can be interpreted thus. So only in my own heart can I again find a support, for there is none from outside; no, friendship and similar feelings have nothing but wounds for me. So be it then, for you, poor B[eethoven], there is no happiness from outside; you must create everything for yourself inside you, only in the world of ideals can you find friends." WITH HOPE!!! MAHLER IS ALWAYS WITH YOU!!! BRAHMS, BRUCKNER, SHOSTAKOVICH ARE THERE TOO!!! BUT ABOVE ALL BEETHOVEN IN YOU!!!!!! | | |
| After 547 bars of the land calling for Heaven's Grace, 954 bars of cleansing thunderstorm from Elysium, and 157 bars of slow yet profound self-reflection the whole land was ready to receive the blessing from the God. All that stood upon the earth would like to hear the Angels singing praises. All that can breathe looked up the sky hoping the Merciful Hand would carry them away from the endless suffer to the paradise long prepared for them. And finally He came. Yet His coming was grand, and His armies of Angels many. Even before His Angels came 216 bars prepared their comings. 3 movements ended without any audible and visible mistakes, and joy flooded in me. Finale!! Ode to Joy!! What a piece it would be!! And what a fine ending it would be!! Yet I was suddenly aware of the trembling baton tip, quickly I calmed myself, then took a deep breath, with my baton high up. For after a preparatory gesture a fortissimo "Presto" would then follow. First 216 bars prepared for the Baritone soloist, the first Arch-angel from the sky, to give the earth a message. A deep and echoing voice that shattered all evils remaining on earth. He entered very well, with a rich tone and good recitativo sense he sung very well. I smiled a little when he finished his verse and in came all the altos, tenors and basses. I was more than satisfied with this. And of course the orchestra was playing very well. Yet just a moment later I was betrayed. At 269 alto tenor and baritone all entered perfectly, but soprano did not sing at all!! She missed 273, the main theme!! My hands did not stop though, and I eyed her questioningly. Why did not she entered?!?! 4 Arch-angels were expected to come, leading their own little angels to sing the praises, each group with his/her own part, and equally important. As solo soprano made no sound, the sopranos did not respond!!All missed 285!! Not only one but for two verses!! In 304 and 313 soprano paid no attention to my cue, and the sopranos responded with silent gaped mouths!! How could the most beautiful Arch-angel and her groups fail us, after we expected them for so long!!! Nearly two thousands bars Beethoven built the splendid palace for them, one by one they showed themselves to us, yet she did not come at all!!! Another bright playful theme started as "Allegro assai vivace" at 331, but my heart sank to the bottom of the well, if that was the bottom. Of course I was still conducting with great care and acting perfectly normal because this theme developed into the most joyful moment of the whole piece!! In fact soon the earth would embrace the roaring ecstasy!! Even sopranos were all dead, they should not be lectured or fired now. Another 200 something bars of development the theme inevitably burst out at 543, and this time behold!!!! Sopranos were all singing!!! The most beautiful Arch-angel was not there still for it was not her verse, but her little angels sneaked back and came forth suddenly!!! Soprano soloist still paid no attention to them, but at least I was happier, my heart climbing up the well. Of course if they could suddenly appear they could suddenly vanish as well!! When the heart was climbing up the well and "Allegro energico e sempre ben marcato" arrived men joined the angels' lines with instruments: clarinets and second violins paved the way for altos while flutes and oboes with bright and piercing tones laid the carpet for sopranos. So well had sopranos just now joined the other parts that I would not like to think there would be another missing part afterwards. But they were already gone!!! Before 655 they were already gone!!!! Carpet was laid there, but no angel came forth; poor little altos walked alone and helpless on the marble road for more than 100 bars!!! Arch-angel did come, yet very late. When all of us expected in 769 the solo soprano would not sing at all she suddenly joined the solo alto answering the call of tenor and baritone!!! What was the use of late-coming soprano if she already missed her part!!! People on earth were surely disappointed and sad, many were crying and yelling and begging for mercy!!! They thought it was the end of their days!!! And now the land called and heaven answered, and heaven called again and the land responded, and they joined together to sing their praises for the God!!! My spirit could never rise high again and was hollow. The Arch-angels and little ones should have been singing together long before!!! The whole movement was ruined, so even in 855 the sopranos did not burst out for the last verse it did not matter, it would not make the performance much worse. A ruined theme was a complete failure, no matter how ruined it was. I guessed this was the real bottom, if I was not deceived by my sense, and if I was not falling at constant speed. P.S. to all who might read the whole or part of it: May have numerous grammatical mistakes, the reasons may be found in the passage. Good luck...... P.P.S. to all who already read the whole or part of it: Made some very minor corrections that do not require re-reading at all. It may become a novel, only I dare not think what should follow....... | | |
| I'd been really sorry for my parents.... Having worked in UL for as many hours as possible, and kept myself from buying stuffs as few as possible, I still cannot pay the $10000 I promised to them..... Even in each day I spend only $5 for my whole day's meal, with $12 inescapable travelling expenses, I lost $17 a day....a week I lost $120.....a month I lost $520.... All my deposits totalled less than $6000, with no income throughout April how can I keep this amount??? And...how...can...I...give...them...$8000......... $6000 I still owe them, for they lent me to pay the tuition fee...If I give them even $6000, essentially I help nothing.... May....what a distant month for me.... Many books I needed to buy to study to build up my conducting skills and knowledge.....too dearly they cost....to buy only one of them I may need to starve for 1.5 months....or skip three weeks' lessons.... Being the elder I am sorry for not being able to help....but I'll try....even if that means to drill deeper into the darkness, to have Schizophrenia, to faint once or twice in UL everyday....just to see my family well.... Without peripheral studies the darkness would surely grow stronger, but if that's my fate then I shall embrace it, for darkness shall be conquered by my darker darkness..... Final reminder to me: spend less than $18 each day.... | | |
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